mr tabloid

Tony Romo is apparently the driving force behind Jessica Simpson’s already failed attempt to crossover to country music. While what small semblance of a music career she has left is being drowned in “twang,” Tony also wants to see his lady pack on the pounds, according to OK! Magazine:

Tony is also the first to boost Jess about her body! Jessica admits that she’s “packed on a few pounds but she doesn’t care,” the source tells OK!.
“She’s loving life and isn’t trying to be Daisy Duke. Besides, if Tony loves the way she looks, who is anyone else to complain?”

So, what? This is payback for all those football games he lost? C’mon, Tony Romo, that’s not cool. One day I might meet Jessica Simpson and seduce her with my funny stories Herculean pectorals. I don’t want to feel like it’s a “Gimme” because I ran into her at a Vegas buffet and quickly fashioned myself a necklace out of chicken wings. I’m a man who requires the thrill of the hunt. No, really, I always keep a blow gun handy. On a related note, I’m not allowed in the strip club anymore.

Anne Hathaway has been doing her best to distance herself from her ex-boyfriend con man Raffaello Follieri. She’s even changed her number, and many believe she helped the FBI arrest him. But now she’s getting pulled into the investigation after her private journals were confiscated during a raid of Raffaelo’s apartment. I say around mid-afternoon the Internet will be soaked with tales of pale sex next to a roaring fire of hundred dollar bills while Bill Clinton watches. NY Daily News reports:

The agents confiscated the intimate diaries of the Devil Wears Prada star during another raid on Follieri’s $37,500-a-month Trump Tower pad, according to the sources. Seeking to bolster their case against the dashing Italian, who has been charged with 11 counts of fraud and money laundering, agents are also said to have seized photos of Follieri with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Pope John Paul II, and John and Cindy McCain.

January 21, 2007
Raffaello bought me a yacht made of diamonds. We make love inside a Lamborghini then discard it like a used condom.

June 3, 2007
We take my yacht “The Why Don’t I Question Where My Boyfriend Gets His Money” out on the sea. We make love on top of a sea turtle then discard it like a used condom.

June 5, 2007
The sun fucking BURNS. Raffaello confuses me for a lobster woman then attempts to seduce me. I now have doubts about our relationship.

August 12, 2007
Raffaello buys me a diamond ring the size of a Buick. But not before stopping by a church and running out with the collection plate. He’s so romantic.

November 23, 2007
Sorry I haven’t written in so long. Raffaello and I vacationed on the moon. I met presumptive presidential candidate John McCain today. He tells me his secret recipe for barbecue, but I don’t know wear to find unicorn hearts and the bottled tears of children.

December 25, 2007
Raffaello manned a vast hunting expedition to track down the real Santa Claus. He brings me a blanket made of his beard, carcass and coat. Love is made. Expensive items discarded like condoms.

February 15, 2008
Approached by FBI agent today. Asked me if Raffaello knows the pope. I tell the agent, “No, but he likes to dress like him.” He laughs then pulls out duct tape and a wire tap. It itches.

Christian Bale’s sister reportedly asked him for £100,000 (roughly $200,000) to help support her children. When he said “No,” she decided to make some remarks about his wife causing a confrontation that, according to The Sun, did include “pushing and shoving”:

Legal sources told The Sun the women said sister Sharon needed £100,000 to help her bring up her three children. They said Bale, 34, snubbed the plea and a row flared in his suite at the Dorchester Hotel in London’s West End. Welsh-born Bale was alleged to have “pushed and shoved” mum Jenny, 61, and Sharon, 41.
Both Jenny and Sharon are terribly upset over what happened. They did not want any publicity and the last thing they wanted to do was wreck his premiere evening. But they say he bullied them.

Here’s what really happened: Christian Bale’s sister asked him for money. He said “How ’bout a check in the amount of ‘I hate you.’?” She called his wife a “hose beast” prompting him to drive over her face with the insane looking Batcycle above. Then Superman showed up, and they all ate sandwiches. The End.

Kim Kardashian went jewelry shopping yesterday, and she has definitely moved past simple butt padding by going straight to shoving a sawed in half globe down her ass. Jesus. That’s not even hot unless I was a perverted cartographer. Which I’m not anymore ever since they kicked me off the “Map to Pussytown” project. That was my life’s work, you jerks!

Sienna Miller was basically labeled a homewrecker after topless photos of her on vacation with Balthazar Getty emerged. It also didn’t help that Balthazar waited a week to announce he was separated from his wife at the time. So, Sienna is looking to cash in on the situation by suing The Sun, News of the World and Big Pictures for invasion of privacy, according to The Guardian:

It is believed that the writ relates to two articles that appeared in the Sun where Big Pictures contributed photos. The stories and pictures reported on Miller’s holiday in Italy and also referred to her friendship with Balthazar Getty, heir to the Getty oil fortune.

For the record, this kind of celebrity legal shenanigans is only kosher in Europe. Thankfully, here in the U.S., we understand the importance of seeing famous body parts.* Future historians will look back on our culture and revere Britney Spears’ vagina as if it were the Declaration of Independence. Damn, somebody should print some of my posts and bury them in a time capsule. People in the future should see how freaking advanced I was. Then they’ll build a moon statute in my honor which, for accuracy’s sake, should include me uppercutting a tank.

*Editor’s Note: The Superficial Writer, who is not a lawyer and simply hunts ambulances for sport, is making a broad, possibly inaccurate statement about privacy litigation. His assumptions are, legally speaking, derived solely from his anus.

Lauren Conrad’s neighbors would like to see her and Audrina Patridge relocate sooner rather than later. Preferably somewhere where bombs are tested. Production for The Hills is making life goddamn ridiculous for people on the girls’ street. Radar Online has the details:

On the never ending light show:
The neighbor continued, saying, “they’re running a soundstage over here.” Before Conrad moved into the house, she claimed MTV spent several noisy months heavily renovating it, adding at least two lighting grids in order to make every staged roommate-moment look like a glamour shot. “MTV keeps saying they’re going to end in October, that this is going to be the end,” she said, “but we don’t have it in writing.”

On having their Internet shut off during filming:
“We want some attention paid to the permits. We don’t want production crews parked in front of our homes all the time or our Internet blocked when they film.” Both complaining neighbors said they worked in the entertainment industry and were usually quite friendly to the frequent filming in their neighborhood, but that MTV was bucking regulations,

On, get the fuck out, paparazzi knife fights!?:
Another unhappy neighbor, who also spoke under conditions of anonymity with a near mafia-like fear of MTV, complained of knife fights between paps and loud parties.

A possible solution for the neighbors: Faulty meth lab. (Note: Be sure to run for “The Hills.” Ha ha ha, I’m going to slit to wrists.) That said, Jesus H. Christ, can Lauren Conrad be anymore boring? I mean, in these photos she’s doing at least two things that should get my attention: A. showing some cleave. and B. standing in front of a Batman poster. Yet I still feel myself slipping into a coma. In fact Zzzzzzzzzz….

Thanks to David who once had to choose between gnawing off his own arm or watching The Hills. He now heroically sports a badass hook.

Star is exclusively reporting that the Producer’s star is having an affair with a redhead half his age. An insider claims that Broderick met the gorgeous redhead at a bar and soon after began text messaging the 25 year-old youth counselor.

It seems that Mr. SJP got steamy quickly with the mystery woman, who nicknamed Broderick, “Matty Cakes”, and started meeting her at the NYC townhouse of an industry friend.

While SJP was off in L.A. filming the highly anticipated Sex and the City Movie, her alleged unfaithful hubby was making multiple late night visits to the other woman’s apartment, according to an eyewitness.

During one tryst, Broderick and the mystery woman came back to the friend’s apartment after a night of heavy drinking and proceeded to the bedroom. The source claims that she dragged Matthew into the bedroom and shut the door.

“A half hour later, Matthew opened the bedroom door, mumbled ‘Well… ‘bye!’ and walked out. The friend found her passed out on the bed in her panties.”  I am really hoping this is not true.  I like SJP and I think her and Matthew seem great together.  Lets hope it is just a rumour! However, you know what they say "Where there is Smoke, there is usually Fire!"

Mariah Carey @ BET’s "106 & Park", New York City Yesteday!

His autobiography was originally billed as "a candid look at the highs and lows of his life and career".

A spokeswoman for the actor declined to comment on his reasons for cancelling the book, which was due to come out this year.  Robert, who has a history of drug abuse, signed the deal in 2006.

The actor is set to play the lead role in director Guy Ritchie’s forthcoming film version of Sherlock Holmes. It follows his stint as Tony Stark, a billionaire playboy who builds himself a superhero suit, in summer blockbuster Iron Man.

The actor signed on for three Iron Man films, and is due to reprise the role on the big screen in 2010.

Downey Jr has previously struggled with a series of personal problems, notably his widely-reported drug use, which led to prison and a rehabilitation programme.   Source

Kim Kardashian in Beverly Hill today!