mr tabloid

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are taking immediate advantage of the California Supreme Court ruling that struck down the ban on gay marriage. The two plan to wed according to a spy for TMZ who was on the set for the latest episode of Ellen that will air today:

She surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with longtime girlfriend, actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O.

To some people, this news is a triumph for civil liberties. To others (*cough*thesouth*cough*), this is worse than 9/11. To me, however, this is just confusing. I mean, who makes the sandwiches? Do they flip a coin or something? I want to say Ellen is the “man,” but then again Portia looks like she could throw some elbows. But those elbows could do some wicked ironing. God, this is tough. Superficial Writer frustrated! Superficial Writer lie on floor of men’s room. Superficial Writer hash this thing out.

UPDATE: Superficial Writer caught Geekologie Writer no wash hands.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have officially broken up - again. Oh no. This can’t end well. Especially when one of Owen’s pals makes the following comment to People:

“It was a pretty bad breakup,” says a Wilson pal. “Owen said it was a tough one. He definitely doesn’t want to dwell on it. He wants to put it behind him.”

Yikes! Somebody hide the heroin. But, in all seriousness, I can’t even get myself worked up over these two. Not when freaking Lana left Clark last night on Smallville. I’m still crying! I mean, damn, is there hope for anybody in this topsy-turvy world! *kicks down cubicle* WHAT IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?!? I CAN’T– Ooh, mini-eclairs! Nice. Say, can we get a janitor to clean this mess up? I, uh, saw a pack of Shriners plow through here on their karts. Yeah, Shriners…

The latest issue of Vogue Germany features a totally topless Claudia Schiffer. This picture would be unbelievably hot except her nipples appear to be airbrushed out. Unless she suffers from a rare disease where they’re invisible. In which case, Claudia, my sincere apologies. I know what it’s like to have transparent body parts. Right, invisi-penis?*

Thanks to James, who is totally straight despite the best efforts of this 100% insane PS3 ad.

*The Superficial Writer’s penis is, actually, very transparent. Particularly after that Gamma Ray accident when he got really drunk and tried to take a whiz on Bruce Banner. Damn you science!

Kim Kardashian recently updated her blog with bikini pics of herself and sister Kourtney. If I didn’t write this site, I’d say that makes Kim Kardashian’s blog the most goddamn awesome blog on the Internet*. I’m also not saying it because I’m baffled by Kim’s impromptu shower with a sarong around her waist. What kind of wicked secret is she hiding under that thing? Wait, I got it! LEGOs. Boom! Case closed. Now to solve the mystery of how drunk I’m going to get. (Hint: Lots.)

UPDATE: Added the seriously, like for real Kardashian sisters’ PSA for Burma after the jump. Nothing like the irony of Armenians making light of a national tragedy. HA! You can’t make that shit up. Anyway, enjoy the video before YouTube pulls it again.

*Not counting Bob Cesca’s Goddamn Awesome Blog which, with a title like that, I gotta ask: Where’re the boobs, Bob? Where - are the boobs?

Bai Ling is chilling in Hawaii this week and also did the Lord’s work by partaking in several bikini shoots. This time around, she managed to keep her nipples fully secured. (Or did she??) Anyway, I’ll let you guys marvel at these while I prepare my last post of the day which’ll make it a Superficial Bikini Trifecta . You guys will love who’s coming up next. Or hate her and get into a giant flame war. Ha, you kids!

Before you guys start hurling the typical comments of “OMGZ Old!”; “I saw these on blah blah blah last year.”; and, the always stinging “You’re a marshmallow!”, scope out the angle on these pics. Sure, I posted similar shots on Monday, but not with the God’s view of Jennifer Aniston’s badonker in this recent batch. So that said, just look at the pretty pictures before I come into your house and knock shit over. Starting with your precious Hummels. KERPLOW! Then your Star Wars action figures. HI-YAH! And, finally, your Hannah Montana posters. WICK-A-POW! Wait. This is my house. Goddammit.

Britney Spears and her dad Jamie left for Costa Rica today with Mel “SugarTits” Gibson. The Vagina’d One and Braveheart together on vacation? *picks up phone* Hello? Satan? Yeah, it’s me. What do you know about Britney and Mel Gibson? Uh huh. Plague of frogs is next, you say? Neat. The Insider reports:

Britney arrived on time, about 5 minutes after Mel, and the plane departed at 9:05 a.m.
We spotted them leaving on a private plane to the Central American state early this morning. Sources tell us that Mel is taking Britney and her father JAMIE for a mini-vacation. We’ve learned they will be guests at Mel’s home in Costa Rica.

I know Mel Gibson loves torture, but this seems a tad overboard. Couldn’t he do something a little less abrasive? Like, I dunno, pouring acid on his junk. You gotta start out slow then work your way up to a life-altering evening of “Holy FUCK! Where are her pants?”

NOTE: Also, Britney Spears is definitely pregnant. I’m saying it now and as soon as I get a hold of pics I can use without getting my sweet ass sued off, I’ll get them up for you guys. Scout’s honor - even though I got kicked out for trying to extinguish an entire forest fire with my pee. I could’ve done it, dammit!

After a morning of heated political discussion punctuated with my undying love of Jessica Simpson’s breasts, I find it only fitting that I post something we all can agree on: Christina Aguilera and her ability to rule Planet MILF with an iron fist. Here she is getting ready to hit the club last night with her husband Jordan Bratsquatch. I also included shots of X-tina attending the Christian Dior event in NYC over the weekend. Just to emphasize the MILFy-ness that scientists are pretty sure can cure cancer. Or, at the very least, small pox.

NOTE: Does anyone know what egregious sin Christina Aguilera committed to get stuck with Bilbo Baggins as a mate? Did she pee on the Bible or, even worse, not do the laundry? Please, I can’t sleep at night until I know.

Jessica Simpson can’t handle her ex John Mayer hooking up with Jennifer Aniston. So, in a move that suggests a surprising form of intelligence, Jessica drank all the liquor she could get her big-breasted hands on. Nice! Us Magazine reports:

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina on May 10 – which started at the pre-happy hour of 4 p.m. with BFF CaCee Cobb and her beau Donald Faison – that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home, Us reports (for good measure, CaCee Cobb threw up under the table); that same night, Us Weekly also reports that beau Tony Romo partied solo in Chicago and was overheard telling friends he was single again.

Okay, Jessica Simpson has a smoking body and drinks like a Fish (!). Holy shit, I couldn’t be more in love right now. And not just because of the ecstasy. Now excuse me while I hug all my co-workers starting with The Geekologie Writer who, dammit, just saw me coming and jumped out the window. Aww
NOTE: Photos link to a catty tale of Tony Romo dumping Jessica before he tries to bang half of Chicago. Quasi-true story.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is returning for its fifth season proving that America loves retarded Bible-totin’ racists - in leather. (Back me up, West Virginia.) A&E held a “carefully choreographed” press conference yesterday to announce its decision to return Dog to the air. The AP reports:

“It’s not about ratings,” A&E spokesman Michael Feeney said. “We know his heart. We know him and know he’s not a racist.”
Scott Lonker, vice president nonfiction and alternative programming at A&E, said viewer demand for the show also weighed in the decision.
Niger Innis, national chairman of the Congress of Racial Equality, said Chapman’s use of the racial slur was wrong. But he noted that Chapman “took ownership of the harm it caused” and “sought to turn his life around.”
Alphonso Braggs, Hawaii chapter president of the NAACP, disagreed, saying Chapman got off lightly for behavior that is “absolutely unacceptable.”
“If individuals see they are able to behave inappropriately with little or no consequence, they will continue that pattern,” he said.

While A&E played it close to the vest with its press conference, somebody should’ve made sure Dog didn’t send out press kits of his own. Like the one I happen to have in my shaky, caffeine-fueled hands:

Dear Viewers,

-DOG