mr tabloid

Someone needs to lock this girl up quick and take away her Nikon!

One of my favorite Celebs - Liv Tyler looking great on Elle France!

Do you know who he is? HINT HINT - His client is a trainwreck!  Answer under the cut!

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Miley Cyrus - Hannah Montana singer/actress was up bright and early this morning to perform in the Rockefeller Plaza on U.S. live morning programme Today Show.

Eva Mendes in lingerie is just brilliant marketing for any product under the sun. She could be in an ad campaign for Industrial Strength Penis Melter, and I’d pour it on my cereal. I don’t know what that says about me as a person, but I’m sure it’s something along the lines of “The Superficial Writer is a national treasure.”

Kim Kardashian addressed the rumors that she’ll appear on the next season of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars. Hopefully, the stage is being reinforced using NASA technology, or a bunch of “celebrities” that time forgot will meet an untimely doom. People reports:

“I don’t know where that’s coming from, I can’t really comment on that,” the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star told Ryan Seacrest during a call-in Thursday to his KIIS-FM show. Still, Kardashian admitted she “would be honored if they asked me.”
While Kardashian confessed she doesn’t know her way around a ballroom dancefloor, she joked, “I can get down in a club.”

Anyone get the feeling Kim Kardashian is about to dump Reggie Bush for Gumby? Don’t worry, it’ll come to you. In the meantime, Kim can definitely get down in a club alright. A club sandwich! HA CHA CHA CH- I’m going to pour steaming hot coffee on my face.

Heather Mills, the gold-digging ex-wife of Paul McCartney, is a bitch to work for. After four years, her publicist Michelle Elyzabeth quit working for the, uh, whatever the hell Heather does, and had the following to say to Extra:

“After working for Heather Mills for the past four years, I have decided to cease representing her. Since her divorce has become final, in my opinion, Heather has become an impossible person. Yesterday, we engaged in a heated argument during which she called me “stupid.” I reminded her that she was not “God” and she answered, “I will never ever talk to you again.
I have been very patient in my dealings with Heather, however, I cannot take any more. I have given her substantial unpaid time and attention. I am owed money. I refuse to be subjected to her outbursts. On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British press has reported about her.”

Oh, sweet, Heather Mills doesn’t have a publicist anymore so I can say whatever I want about her and nobody will refute my claims. I don’t want to get too carried away though. Better start off small; okay, got it: Heather Mills’ leg planned 9/11. He shoots; he scores!

Here’s British singer Heidi Range of Sugababes (I have no clue.) at Miami Beach with her sister Hayley. Apparently Heidi feels she needs constant security while wearing a bikini. That’s pretty narcissistic of somebody I had to look up on Wikipedia and is rocking the Kim Kardashian sarong maneuver. I mean, really, nobody needs a bodyguard while they’re at the beach. Except me because of the jellyfish. They give my toes an ouchy.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s French chateau was invaded by camo-wearing paparazzi. The two men Rambo’d there way onto the grounds - only to get their shit wrecked by Pitt-Jolie security guards. BOFF! POW! CAMERA IN THE ASS! The AP reports:

Police spokeswoman Capt. Olivia Poupot said Friday the two photographers were wearing camouflage clothes. She said police officers took them and the two guards in for questioning after Thursday’s bust-up at the Jolie-Pitt family’s Miraval estate.
Poupot said she didn’t know how long the paparazzi had been on the chateau grounds or further details about the “altercation with the guards.”
“One can imagine that if you discover someone in your garden who is taking your photo then you’re not necessarily going to politely show them the way out,” she said.

Seriously, no offense to Brad and Angelina, but what is so goddamn special about getting photos of their babies? Just take a picture of some newborns at the hospital AND NOBODY WOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. Is there something someone’s not telling me? Do these kids have tails? No, wait, unicorn horns! I bet that’s it; holy shit, yes! Where’s my camo paint?

UPDATE: Mission aborted. Lost a leg in the piranha pit after Maddox punched me in. Though it was pretty funny when he said “You cheat, Dr. Jones!” Best $5 I ever spent - until all the leg eating.

Heidi and Spencer love to take everyday events and turn them into photo shoots so fucking retarded, you’ll swear you’ve been huffing paint all morning. Here some hapless realtor is forced to take part in their shenanigans. But, then again, this man has no soul because he later lied to TMZ about Mr. and Mrs. Cockweasel’s real estate potential:

So we thought it was a big publicity stunt, until we called the realtor who showed the property. Sandro Dazzan says they’re “serious buyers,” although he doesn’t think they’ll pull the trigger right away. Dazzan stunned us when he said they can afford the $12 million beach house right now, but that they’re “at least six months” out from being able to afford the bigger house.

Serious buyers who won’t pull the trigger. Interesting, Sandro. So, basically, Heidi showed you her boobs, and you agreed to pretend they’ve got money? Unless a commission shot out of her nipples, congratulations, you’re an idiot. The only way these two can buy a house is if you let them pay in forced smiles and chin wax.