mr tabloid

Suddenly, Jennifer Aniston’s nipple sonar went off: Somebody was popping nips and their names wasn’t Jennifer Aniston.

And then it happened: Jennifer Aniston’s assistant, clearly gone suicidal, attempted to block the nipples with her purse. Her body would later be found in a sand dune on a Mexican beach. The police deduced the culprit’s identity by the two punctures wound in the back, but who would dare prosecute? Anyone worth their badge knew you didn’t go after the nipples. Not in this town. Not in any town…

Jamie Spears will continue his conservatorship of Britney until the end of the year. The commissioner extended Jamie’s control of Britney’s estate during a hearing this afternoon, but left it open to early termination. (Read: Once Britney can put on her clothes like a big girl, she gets her bank account back.) E! Online reports:

“Regarding the conservatorship of the person, I understand that Ms. Spears is reluctantly agreeing to extend those letters,” Goetz said. “We are extending them until Dec. 31, 2008.”
A status hearing for the extended order has been set for Oct. 28.

My sources tell me Britney’s reluctance was easily won over when her dad promised her a pony. Except after the hearing he said “Just kidding” and took her to the dentist.

Rihanna hit the clubs last night in New York City and apparently decided to fly sans bra. These pics might be considered LSFW depending on your boss’ vision. If he clearly sees nipples, that man’s in the wrong line of work and should be a goddamn Army sniper. I’ve been staring at these things for hours like it’s a Magic Eye picture. So far all I’ve seen is a tugboat, two polar bears kissing and Edgar Winter.

Hey, remember this guy? Sam Lutfi a.k.a. Douchebeard McDrugYourDrinks. Well, it turns out the restraining order requiring him to stay 250 yards away from Britney Spears expires today. The order will not be renewed, but Britney’s lawyer issued the following public statement to Douchebeard letting him know what the fuck’s up. The AP reports:

“Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama ‘Sam’ Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future,” Spears’ attorney Samuel D. Ingham III said in a statement to The Associated Press.
“During the temporary conservatorship, the conservators have the power to insure that Lutfi will not harm Britney anymore. If Mr. Lutfi makes any future attempt to contact Britney after the temporary conservatorship has concluded, Britney has made clear she will take all appropriate legal action.”

Did Britney really make it clear she’ll “take all appropriate legal action”? I doubt she knows what one of those words even mean. Here’s a more likely scenario: “If Mr. Lutfi attempts to contact Britney, Britney will take actions including, but not limited to, sticking a bucket of KFC over her head then running into a wall. Britney also reserves the right to say ‘Whoop whoop whoop whoop!’ prior to impact.”

New York Yankee Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez’s lawyers responded to Cynthia Rodriguez’s divorce petition today. Cynthia was asking for “the couple’s $12 million waterfront estate and ‘equitable distribution’ of all assets acquired during the marriage.” Except she signed a prenup which A-Rod is sticking to. He’s also pushing to have allegations of extramarital affairs stricken from the record because Florida is a no-fault divorce state making the claims “immaterial and impertinent.” Also, he doesn’t want it legally documented that he banged Madonna. NY Daily News reports:

Rodriguez, whose 10-year, $275 million contract with the Yankees makes him baseball’s highest-paid player, says several times in the response he wants the prenup enforced.
“Husband denies any duty to support wife beyond those obligations specifically set out in the parties’ prenuptial agreement,” the papers say. What those terms are wasn’t immediately known, but apparently they don’t suit Cynthia. If he has to go to court to fight her challenge to the prenup and wins, he says he’s entitled to recover from his wife any “reasonable attorney’s fees and costs” he incurs.

It sounds like A-Rod doesn’t fuck around. Not counting all those strippers and the Crypt Keeper.

Here’s Jessica Alba out and about yesterday rocking a chest that says “Yes, I did recently squeeze a tiny person out of my pelvis. Thank you for asking.” Which, honestly, almost made me consider Jessica Alba a captivating individual. Keyword being: Almost.

Mary-Kate Olsen on her way to the nail salon.

Thsi story is too funny I could not resist.  Alien wanna be Tom Cruise and his cult Scientology being sued.

Tom Cruise is named in a $250 million federal lawsuit that is using the RICO statute against the Church of Scientology. Ex-Scientologist Peter Letterese, a longtime critic of the church, filed suit in Southern District Court in Florida on July 15 alleging, among other things, that members of the church harassed him after he left.

 In court papers provided to The News by investigator Paul Barresi, Letterese claims a member of the church phoned his lawyer at home, and when the lawyer’s wife answered, said he was her husband’s homosexual lover. Barresi, who has done investigative work on behalf of Cruise, tells us: "[Letterese] is just including a celebrity name to get attention." Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

 He singles out Cruise, who’s made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars."

One of Letterese’s beefs is that the church allegedly uses a business book, "Effective Sales Closing Techniques," as part of its teachings. He says this violates his intellectual property rights, since he bought the rights to the book from the widow of author Leslie Dane. Cruise’s lawyer, Bert Fields, did not respond to an e-mail requesting comment. Karin Pouw, a spokeswoman for the Church of Scientology, told us: "This is a frivolous suit based on falsehoods."  Source

ANGELINA Jolie is reportedly being lined up to star as Batman’s nemesis Catwoman in a new movie. The 33-year-old actress – who gave birth to twins Knox and Vivienne earlier this month – is said to be in final negotiations with studio bosses to play the feline villain who first appeared in the Batman comics.

It is not clear whether she would play the role in the current Batman film series, starring Christian Bale as the caped crusader, or in a spin-off film as Halle Berry did in 2004’s Catwoman.   Actress Julie Newmar, who played Catwoman in the Batman TV series from 1966 to 1967, has given her blessing for Jolie to play the part.   "Angelina would own the part," Newmar, now 74, said.

"My industry friends tell me she has already made enquiries about the role. I can understand how it would pique her interest. Catwoman is Batman’s one true love.   "She is tremendously popular with women because she’s both a heroine and a villainess."   Source

David alongside a host of other celebrities including Heidi Klum, Jenny McCarthy, Jack Black and Jessica Alba appear in the video below.