mr tabloid

Apparently, Amy Winehouse will open her door and autograph random objects for children. In this case, a copy of Donkey Kong Jungle Beat for the GameCube. Awesome. So not only are this kid’s parents stupid enough to let him near Impetigo Face, but they won’t even spring for a Wii. When he grows a third arm after this encounter, they’ll be sorry. In the meantime, tell me that’s not a precious face. It practically screams “Mummy, I can feel me eyes burning!” Which, coincidentally, is what happened moments later. Ha ha! Kids are hilarious.

The Kim Kardashian buttpad issue has resulted in tons of e-mail. One in particular is from a reader who allegedly works in the modeling industry and says that padded underwear is not uncommon. So, pretty much, we’ve all been drooling over foam panties. I, honestly, don’t have a problem with that. Here’s what Izzy has to say:

She’s 5′3 with 39-40 inch hips, she’s NOT fat, has a small waist and Huge curves specifically on her breast and butt. All natural? I don’t think so. I do some modeling and I know side angles can do wonders for your butt but this girl has implants and I’ve seen many here in Miami. It’s almost as common as getting your boobs done, they also sell padded underwear with silicone inserts who want to go even larger.

She wears fake lashes and heavy makeup,so she strikes me as the type of person who’s very much into her physical appearance. So my honest opinion is that she’s had work done to her top and bottom but in all fairness a lot of people get plastic surgery,if it makes them happy, go for it.

Reading between the lines and pulling from my own ass(!), Kim Kardashian’s butt is more or less a philosophical issue. If you want it to be a sign of her girth, then peace be with you. If you want it to be the zenith of ass awesomeness, then peace be with you and, also, don’t touch anything on my desk. In fact, here’s some hand sanitizer. You go now.

Kristen Bell loves her some hockey. And on top of that she loves her some hockey players. The hell she’s doing with Dax Sheppard is beyond me. She chatted with NHL.com yesterday and declared her preference for a high-sticker over low-sticker Brad Pitt*:

NHL.com: If you could meet any hockey player, who would you meet and why?
KB: Chris Osgood was my first crush. Brad Pitt be damned, he had nothing on Osgood’s rookie skill and sad eyes. There was actually a day in high school when I wrote on a name tag ‘Mrs. Osgood’ and wore it the whole day. I really thought we were perfect for each other. I’d love to meet him and probably apologize that things never worked out.

Then Kristen made the interview even spicier by talking about herself in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. [insert sizzling sound here]:

NHL.com: What is your favorite hockey memory?
KB: My parents submitted a picture of me, in my catholic school uniform, with my arms around the Stanley Cup. It ended up on the ticket for Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Semifinals.

Dear Kristen Bell,

I played a lot of Ice Hockey on the NES back in the day - and did I mention Blades of Steel? I’ll be waiting patiently while you strip out of your clothes and lustfully ice skate into my arms.

Yours truly,
The Superficial Writer

*Oh yeah, I went there.

Ashlee Simpson is officially Ashlee Wentz. In a move destined to doom her even further into obscurity than her music career already has, Ashlee felt it wise to take on the name of her new husband - seen here with a plate over his face. He did get my letters! People reports:

Pete Wentz says he left the name change decision to his wife. “These decisions with Ashlee and her name are all completely up to Ashlee,” Wentz says. “I want her to do these kinds of things the way she wants to do them.”
Still, he admits, he was flattered. “Oh man, I was like upgrade me! You know what I’m saying? The Wentz family, our Christmas card just got upgraded!” he says. “It feels insane. It feels unreal.”

For those of you unable to zoom in, or with poor vision, Pete’s paper plate mask reads “Your ad could be here. E-mail Jon@Douchebag.com.” When I read something like that and hear Pete say “Upgrade me!,” I can’t help but feel overjoyed that these two reproduced. (Side note: I express joy through punching. Vigorous punching.) Now where’s the happy couple? I’ve got some brass joy I can’t wait to share with them. Ha ha! So happy!

Kirsten Dunst opened up to E! Online’s Mark Malkin about her recent trip to Cirque Lodge. Turns out it wasn’t for the drinky; she was depressed. She also denied rumors that she’s dating Ryan Gosling. So, basically, after admitting she suffers from depression, E! made her confess to being lonely and emerging from her trailer at night to feed on the young. Okay, maybe not that last part. Here’s the details:

“I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse,” Dunst tells me exclusively during a lunch break on All Good Things. “I went there for depression.
“It was a good six months before I decided to go away,” Dunst says. “I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn’t know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge.”

How can you be sad while you’re drinking? That’s scientifically impossible. Back me up, Geekologie Writer. And, also, put on some pants. I don’t want people thinking we coordinated outfits again.

As some of you may have heard, Sharon Stone once again opened her mouth again and said some retarded shit. This time around, she chalked up the recent earthquake in China (which killed Tibetans and Chinese) as “bad karma.” The AP reports:

“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” Stone said Thursday during a Cannes Film Festival red-carpet interview with Hong Kong’s Cable Entertainment News. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

Wow. Now that’s the kind of crazy only a post-menopausal woman could unleash. At any rate, Sharon’s movies are now barred from the largest theater chain in China effective immediately:

Ng See-Yuen, founder of the UME Cineplex chain and the chairman of the Federation of Hong Kong Filmmakers, called Stone’s comments “inappropriate,” adding that actors should not bring personal politics to comments about a natural disaster that has left five million Chinese homeless, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

That would be an awesome punishment except for the fact that Sharon Stone was banned from movies forever after making Basic Instinct 2: Hey, Remember my Vagina? True story.

At the beginning of March, reports were circulating that Patrick Swayze only had five weeks to live. Well, over two months later, and using the same pic, I’m happy to post that Patrick is putting cancer’s ass in the corner and responding well to treatment. He issued the following statement to People:

“Thought I’d give you guys a little update. Lisa and I have been back and forth from New Mexico enjoying the arrival of spring and new baby calves. This past weekend, we spent a fun time with friends in Reno for Lisa’s birthday, where I took her jewelry shopping at Kenny G & Company and (we) were able to find her something really special and much deserved! In the meantime, I am continuing treatment at Stanford and the great news is I continue to respond well.”

Every once in a while, it’s nice to take a break from flying nipples and butt pads to write about something positive. I mean, not that boobs aren’t positive; let’s not get carried away. But sometimes you gotta recognize when cancer gets freaking pwned by Point Break himself. Also, I may or may not be recognizing by standing on my desk singing “The Time of My Life.”

The Superficial wishes Patrick the best of luck in his ongoing treatment and, in the spirit of celebration, has included the hilariously classic SNL sketch of Chris Farley and The Swayze trying out for Chippendale’s after the jump.

Kim Kardashian threw a party over the weekend at White House and apparently walked down a catwalk greeting fans. But none of that’s important. What is important is the fact that I’ve seen less insulation on a fucking astronaut. So, without further ado and in spite of the cries from our server, I ask you, intrepid readers, the most controversial question of our time: Is Kim Kardashian wearing a buttpad?

DISCUSS!

UPDATE: Added four more pics that definitely suggest padding of the buttal region. (Particularly here and here.)

Karina Smirnoff and her Dancing With The Stars lover/partner A.C. Slater hit the beach in Miami over the holiday weekend. Slater and Karina attempted to pull off some dance moves in the ocean until Karina’s bare nipple hit him in the nose. A.C. responded by dumping her ass face first into the sea. All, while screaming, “Ew! EW! Ohmygod ohmygod it touched my nose! Does anyone have a wetnap? Seriously.”

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions. Unless your boss is cool with Saved By the Bell characters getting nipped in the retina then, by all means, proceed.

Melanie Brown, a.k.a. Scary as Hell Spice, donned her bikini and downed champagne while vacationing in Miami over the weekend. Jesus, I would love for our abs to battle. Mostly to hear the distinctive “clank” of metal on metal followed by “Shit, love, we should have a drink.” Next thing you know, it’s the Mel B Signature Move: Kerpow! Paternity suit. Why didn’t you warn me, Eddie Murphy?