mr tabloid

Honest Injun, heeding your cries, I’ve been exercising a moratorium on Heidi and Spencer’s horribly retarded candid (but really posed) shots. However, drastic times call for drastic measures. And I’d like to point you to the two drastic measures above. I’m going to step away from my keyboard now because I never type angry/aroused. *SMASH!* Shiiiit, I just knocked over my cubicle. Geekologist, are you alright? I was editing Heidi photos and- Hey! Eyes up here, bud. Nothing technological going on down there. That’s simply nature. And, okay, plutonium.

Coming in from so far out of left-field I thought it was a football is Sarah McLachlan in a bikini. I gotta admit I fostered a secret crush on Ms. McLachlan seen here vacationing in Maui. In college my computer was loaded with MP3’s of her songs in case I ever tricked seduced a girl into my dorm room for some makin’ out. Sadly, that dream never transpired. It would’ve been better than ice cream! See? I even remember the words. Now, what’s it take for me to touch a boob? I’ll even be romantic about it. (Read: Not yell “Yippee!” then immediately write in my online journal.)

After making out on P. Diddy’s boat, everyone knows the next step in a same-sex relationship is to introduce your families. But make sure the making out on Diddy’s boat happens first. Otherwise you’re doomed from the get-go. Fortunately, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson know how this crazy game called “Love” works. People reports:

The duo – who are “together,” a source says in the new issue of PEOPLE – were spotted Wednesday afternoon lunching with Ronson’s writer-mom, Ann Dexter-Jones and Lohan’s sister Ali, 14, at the Italian restaurant Gino’s on Manhattan’s Upper East Side.
Throughout the meal, the group engaged in a spirited session of girl talk, the source adds.

I love how Ali walks around in these photos trying to cover her face with her hair, and it’s not because of Lindsay. She’s only 14 and has no clue what a frisb-ian is. Ali’s just hoping no one recognizes her from her mom’s show Living Lohan. So, who wants to tell Ali she has a better chance getting attacked by a real live leprechaun? And not just because Tom Cruise is in town. Hi-oh! I’ll be here all week, folks.

Pulling a page from the Michael Jackson playbook, Clay Aiken has knocked up a woman - but without dealing with her “icky parts.” The mother-to-be is a record producer in her late-40’s that has worked on several of Clay’s albums. TMZ has the breaking news:

Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A.
We’re told Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. We’re told she’s in her late 40’s, though we could not confirm her exact age. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29.
We’re told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.

Clay Aiken often tries to play down the rumors that he’s gay. But you know what works against that? Knocking up a chick without having vaginal intercourse. That’s sort of the man-meat and potatoes, if you will, of being straight. If a guy is going to be stuck with a kid for the rest of his life, he oughta at least have a story to tell involving whiskey and a trucker named Mabel. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to post-date a child support check. How do you spell “January 2020?”

Also, a special EP on Itunes which also has an extra song called "Pick it Up" that I did with Will.I.Am (if you like "Big Girls Don’t Cry," U will like that one). This is my first time blogging…so exciting, but don’t get it twisted I’m on this site almost everyday and Thank U all so much 4 your constant and truthful support. U make my day all the time luv U 4eveR. Fergie

Many of you have probably heard that Dunkin’ Donuts pulled an ad featuring Rachael Ray because she looks “too Arab-y.” Apparently, her scarf set the right-wing blogs a-buzzing who decided to wage war on my beloved Dunkin’ until they pulled the ad. Bloodied and beaten, the purveyors of sweet fried bread that fuel my morning gave in, according to the Boston Globe:

The Canton-based company has abruptly canceled an ad in which the domestic diva wears a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men. Some observers, including ultra-conservative Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin, were so incensed by the ad that there was even talk of a Dunkin’ Donuts boycott.
‘‘The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad,’’ Malkin yowls in her syndicated column.
‘‘Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.’’

Dunkin’ Deeznuts issued the following statement after pulling the terror-inducing ad. (Holy shit, she’s got a latte! Duck!):

Said the suits in a statement: ‘‘In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial.’’

The only jihad that scarf makes me want to commit is against my hangover - with sweet caffeine. And if that’s not American, shit, I don’t know what is. That said, I’ll assume for their next commercial Rachael Ray, clad in the Stars and Stripes, will fire an AK at a Boston Creme - then dump scalding hot lattes on a gay wedding. Wow, I should work in advertising. I would sell stuff’s face off.

Thanks to BK for the “hot tip.” Get it? Hot? Like coffee. Comedy!

Bill Murray’s wife of more than 10 years, Jennifer Murray, filed a complaint in court against the actor. She alleges he physically assaulted her and suffers from severe drug and alcohol addictions. She’s citing the complaint as grounds for divorce and is also seeking to have their prenuptial agreement nullified because of Bill’s abusive behavior. The Charleston Post and Courier reports:

According to the complaint, Jennifer Murray moved into a Sullivan’s Island home in 2006 with the couple’s four children due to her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Jennifer also provided details of the times Bill assaulted her, including an incident where he allegedly hit her in the face and then told her she was lucky he didn’t kill her:

It was at the Sullivan’s Island home, according to the complaint, that Murray allegedly abused his wife in November 2007. The six-page court filing says Murray “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ “

It’s always awesome when jackass celebrity wife-beaters suddenly think they’re nefarious super-villains: “Yeah, see, I could kill you and get away with it. So wise up, yeah.” Let’s take a moment to thank O.J. for this advance in domestic abuse. And by thank I mean hope he gets herpes. In the meantime, how big of an A-hole is Bill Murray? Assuming any of this turns out to be true, I’m leaning towards colossal.

UPDATE: TMZ has a statement from Bill Murray’s lawyer: “Bill Murray is deeply saddened by the dissolution of his marriage to Jennifer. Mr. and Mrs. Murray remain loving parents, committed to the best interests of their children. Mr. Murray asks that the public respect his family’s privacy at this difficult time.” I’m not a lawyer, but shouldn’t they have denied the allegations?

George Clooney has apparently decided to heed the advice of a mystery caller and kicked girlfriend Sarah Larson to the curb, according to a source for People:

Larson, 29, and Clooney, 47, made their public debut together at the Venice and Deauville film festivals last September. Later that month, the twosome were injured in a motorcycle accident.
Earlier this year, Larson accompanied Clooney to the Oscars – the first girlfriend ever to go with him to the event.

Sarah Larson is quite the party girl, but George Clooney is looking for someone that’s more his style. And that style would be young, hot, adventurous and evaporates after exactly 87 rounds of intercourse. Unfortunately, Sarah not only stuck around way past 100 but had the audacity to suggest George should buy an ottoman. An ottoman? Why don’t you just call his mother a whore while you’re at it, lady? Sheesh. Some nerve…

While this comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Ashlee and Pete Wentz finally confirmed they have a bun in the oven last night on their website FriendsOrEnemies.com:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

- Pete and Ashlee Wentz

This news confirms that their asshat video about making a baby was, in fact, a sad indicator of the future. Super duper. I’m overjoyed for their unborn fetus. Go ahead and take a good look at your father, kid. I believe there’s a technical term for your situation. What was it again? Oh, right: UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED. Best of luck to you, Baby Wentz.

Sarah Jessica Parker and the girls dazzled New York last night at the premiere of Sex and the City: The Movie. And by dazzled I mean these broads look ridiculous. For a show that’s about fashion you’d figure they’d at least look somewhat hot and not like my high school prom if everyone was 40. All that said, I present to you, for your mocking pleasure, the lovable characters of Sex and the City: HorseFace, Slutty Cougar, The One Who Used to Be Hot Five Years Ago and Does it Matter?

Enjoy!