ET is reporting that ANGELINA JOLIE has had her twins! Stop by for more details later!
French media reports have also surfaced, claiming Jolie, 32, was with beau Brad Pitt, 44, when she gave birth at a Catholic clinic in France’s Aix-en-Provence this past Sunday. Her rep has not confirmed those reports.
Kim Kardashian has taken umbrage with my clearly scientific debate regarding her buttpads. Check out her latest blog entry (NOTE: I took the liberty of un-editing all the a–’s. My replacements in italics.):
OMG! When will people get off my atrium, literally! Haha. I have said it a million times before and I’ll say it again: My booty is as real as the designer items I’m auctioning off on eBay.
The reason I bring this up is because those jokesters at the Superficial claimed that I wear foam panties. NOT TRUE! (And I don’t stuff ‘em with Charmin either).
I think my photo shoots clearly prove I don’t wear butt pads!
To all you non-believers at the Superficial, kiss my REAL and GORGEOUS amphitheater!
XOXO,
Kim
I’ve accepted Kim’s challenge and included the Ralph Lauren photo shoot she presents as proof of her natural assy-ness. Now on to the scrutiny!
Set 1: You’re either making the most valid argument in the history of debate or really have to pee. Analysis: Inconclusive.
Set 2: Do that underwear thing again. I can’t research in these conditions. Analysis: BOO!
Set 3: Ha! Mirrors don’t fool me. You’ve been hanging out with Criss Angel, haven’t you? Bad, Kim Kardashian! Bad! Analysis: Not convinced.
Set 4: Okay, now you’re just sitting on your butt. If you’re not going to take this thing seriously, I’m taking off my pants. Analysis: I need me a gypsy tent.
Set 5: Nipples will only get you everywhere. Analysis: Whatever she says is true.
Set 6: Are you trying to knock down that wall? No, wait, you gotta pee again. Lady, go easy on the Aquafina. Christ. Analysis: What were we talking about again? If it’s boobs, I’m all over it.
DIAGNOSIS: BUTTPAD!
Sorry, Kim, but hey, I’m a reasonable guy. You can invite me over to your house and we’ll make some science. Namely through the time-tested method of my hands/your butt.* But, remember, it’s all for the children. Those sweet, sweet children that I should probably wrangle up. Anyone got a net?
*Tears of joy emitted from The Superficial Writer do not invalidate claims of buttpad’s presence. The Superficial Writer also reserves the right to free said buttpad and use it as a decorative throw pillow in a room of his choosing. Buttpad may also double as a frisbee. Whee!
Britney Spears is “not yet fit” to participate in court hearings regarding her conservatorship. To bring everyone up to speed, after Brit’s second trip to Crazytown Mental Ward, her father Jamie was placed in control of her estate and is actually doing a bang-up job. Britney’s attorney Samuel Ingham spent 90 minutes yesterday talking to Commissioner Reva Goetz, according to the AP:
Ingham told the court afterward that Spears’ medical condition is “fluid” because her treatment is changing.
Spears’ probate case is scheduled to go to trial July 31, but Ingham said it could be “harmful” for her to participate. Goetz agreed and said Spears’ diagnosis is not complete.
Just so I have this straight: Britney is unable to hear about her finances, but is allowed to have sex with her agent. Is Jamie Spears making sure her vagina stays open for the summer? If so, smart move what with it being vacation season and all. There’s never a more bonding experience than packing up the fam in a camper and visiting our national parks and vaginas. God bless Jamie Spears.
Steven Tyler is claiming his recent stint in rehab was only to recover from foot surgery and not drug and/or alcohol related. Did I miss a memo about it being Celebrity Bullshit Excuses for Rehab Week? Jesus. Anyway, for those of you who actually care about Aerosmith, here’s Steven’s formal statement to People:
“The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected but it would require a few surgeries over time,” Tyler says in a statement released Thursday. “The ‘foot repair’ pain was intense, greater than I’d anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. Make no mistake, Aerosmith has no plans to stop rocking. There’s a new album to record, then another tour.”
Foot surgery? Give me a break. Why couldn’t he just say it was depression? Oh, right, Kirsten Dunst used that… Why couldn’t he just say it was foot surgery?
Coming in from so far out of left-field I thought it was a football is Sarah McLachlan in a bikini. I gotta admit I fostered a secret crush on Ms. McLachlan seen here vacationing in Maui. In college my computer was loaded with MP3’s of her songs in case I ever tricked seduced a girl into my dorm room for some makin’ out. Sadly, that dream never transpired. It would’ve been better than ice cream! See? I even remember the words. Now, what’s it take for me to touch a boob? I’ll even be romantic about it. (Read: Not yell “Yippee!” then immediately write in my online journal.)
Heidi Montag showing off her booty in another attempt to get the attention of the Paps!
We can only help she is not pregnant again. Britney needs to concentrate on getting herself on track rather than having another baby.
TMZ is reporting that Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. In case you didn’t process that, Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. Go FIGURE! TMZ is reporting that multiple sources tell say the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A.
50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29. Apparently, Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.
Honest Injun, heeding your cries, I’ve been exercising a moratorium on Heidi and Spencer’s horribly retarded candid (but really posed) shots. However, drastic times call for drastic measures. And I’d like to point you to the two drastic measures above. I’m going to step away from my keyboard now because I never type angry/aroused. *SMASH!* Shiiiit, I just knocked over my cubicle. Geekologist, are you alright? I was editing Heidi photos and- Hey! Eyes up here, bud. Nothing technological going on down there. That’s simply nature. And, okay, plutonium.
Mariah Carey threw out the opening pitch at the Yomiuri Giants vs Rakuten Eagles match at the Tokyo Dome yesterday, and let’s just say it was the most impressive display of baseball I’ve ever seen in my life. Lord knows why she became a singer and not a professional pitcher. Seriously though, you’d think she would’ve prepared a little before showing up. Most people would practice throwing balls, but not Mariah Carey. No, it’s like she decided to break both her arms instead to make sure they wouldn’t function correctly.