mr tabloid

If you’re like me and have only been laid once in your life (Thank you, Y2K!), you’ll immediately recognize Laura Vandervoort as Kara/Supergirl on Smallville. If you’ve never seen Smallville, soon you’ll recognize Laura as Bikini Girl #2 in the Audrina Patridge vehicle Into the Blue 2: Script? Shit, We Just Put a Bunch of Chicks in Bikinis. Academy Awards, watch out!

Katie Price decided to do a little topless sunbathing while vacationing in Cairns. And, oh man, wait until you guys see what’s under those stars. Wow! You won’t believe it.*

NOTE: All pics are seriously, seriously NSFW. And also NSFC, NSFHE, and, also, NSFMW**.

*The Superficial Writer is not responsible for any crying, eye gouging or damage from heroic feats of masturbation in the face of adversity. And by adversity I mean those really wicked implant scars. *HORF A NORF*

**C = children, HE = human eyes, MW = my wang. Ha ha = I love asterisks!

If you’re like me and have only been laid once in your life (Thank you, Y2K!), you’ll immediately recognize Laura Vandervoort as Kara/Supergirl on Smallville. If you’ve never seen Smallville, soon you’ll recognize Laura as Bikini Girl #2 in the Audrina Patridge vehicle Into the Blue 2: Script? Shit, We Just Put a Bunch of Chicks in Bikinis. Academy Awards, watch out!

London still wasn’t big enough for Paris and Victoria yesterday. The women who know exactly how to get cameras clicking found themselves vying for attention as they launched their latest business ventures.  They are both repulsive!

She may be a new mother, but Christina Aguilera hasn’t let it dull down her dress sense.  Christina who gave birth to son Max just four months ago, has showed off an array of glamorous outfits during a trip to New York and was clearly keen to make the most of her boosted post-baby bust line. Last night the star turned heads in a plunging button-up green number as she headed out for dinner with her record executive husband Jordan Bratman.  Source

While sitting on her four-wheeler, Jamie Lynn munched on what appears to be either a popsicle or some sort of meat on a stick.   Hopefully she wasn’t riding around in the ATV, because Jamie Lynn wasn’t wearing a helmet or a seatbelt.

It’s a documented fact that I want the entire cast of The Hills to get West Nile Virus in the face. That said, when one of them, in this case Audrina Patridge, slaps on a bikini I’m compelled by my dedication to science to post the above pics. Here she is on the set of her first film Into the Blue 2: Now With More Bikini!. After the film’s smashing straight to video success, you can look forward to seeing her next movie Jugsalonia: Starring Audrina, That Other Chick from The Hills with Fake Tits. Yeah, With the Wonk-Eye. God, I love cinema.

Pete Wentz (full name Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III, I shit you not) had a bachelor party thrown for him last night with his dad (pink shirt) and future father-in-law Joe Simpson. No doubt, Pete’s father did backflips when he learned Pete was marrying a girl then immediately stormed down to the VFW and punched out everyone that ever mocked him. Even though he never served in the military and typically drinks at Applebee’s. Anyway, I can just picture the words of excitement coming out of Pete’s mouth during this momentous occasion of male-bonding:

“Oh, lookee, father! A stripper establishment. Goody-gum-drops. I do so hope we can put dollar bills into their panties. Oh, can we, father? I’d be the happiest boy in the world! I would, I would.”

But, no, seriously. Congratulations, Pete, and if I ever see you, I’ll hit you in the face with your own neon-blue-laced hightops. Cheers!

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty continued to party as if they’re last zombies on Earth. Looking at pics from last night, I think it’s safe to say these two shouldn’t be allowed in the same room. Or country. Nay - hemisphere! You know what? Fuck it. Can’t we just send one of them to the moon? I mean, it’ll be easy. Just tell them it’s a really big ball of space-crack. They’ll find a way up. Which may or may not involve Amy tying M-80s to Pete’s shoes. (Fingers crossed!)

Thanks to Karen who’s happy to be in New Zealand far way from these two. Unless they learn to swim then, my God, none of us are safe…

Britney Spears stopped at a health clinic yesterday before taking flight with Mad Max for Jesus himself, Mel Gibson. This adds fuel to the rampant speculation that she’s got Adnan Jr. in her belly. But, there could be other causes for her recent weight gain, according to The Sun:

The source said: “Despite daily workouts, she has put on a lot of weight in recent weeks. She isn’t saying if she is pregnant, but she is taking medication which has affected her weight. Living with her dad — a chef — means she has piled on pounds. She is extremely paranoid about her body at the moment.”
Britney is also believed to be struggling with her weight after she stopped taking Adderol, a stimulant prescribed for attention deficit disorder and used by women to keep hunger under control. Addiction specialist Marty Brenner said: “Weight gain is a common side effect.”

Someone needs to get to the bottom of this. I wonder if Britney Spears would let me look at her vagina with a magnifying glass? WOW! Too far, me. Way, way, way too far. No one needs to see that - ever. In fact, if she’s pregnant, I think the doctor should be allowed to deliver the baby blindfolded. So Vote “Yes” on the California Doctors with Blindfolds in the Case of Britney Law. A doctor is a terrible thing to waste - unless he won’t give you free boner pills. I hate you, doc!