mr tabloid

Brooke Hogan continues to spend her days in a bikini, but this time she was joined by her dad and his new girlfriend who, creepily, looks like Brooke. For those keeping score at home: Hulk’s girlfriend has the back tattoo and her bikini doesn’t tie in the back. Brooke has the sunglasses, her bikini ties in the back and she also has HER FATHER’S HAND ON HER ASS! WHAT THE SUPER FUCK?! If my daughter asked me to put suntan lotion on her bikini-clad ass, I’d say “Sure, honey. First, let me just put on my beekeeper’s outfit, knight’s armor, and some rubber gloves. In the meantime, could you be so kind to distract the lifeguard while daddy dives into the deep-end of the pool and, God willing, drowns? Aw, you’re a peach.”

Kim Kardashian (looking unusually hot) and her sister Khloe are currently down under scoping out Australian Fashion Week. But, just last week, the two came to blows over Kim’s new Bentley. Aww, now that’s relatable. Anyway, the fisticuffs showed up on the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians (video after the jump). So, when I say these two rumbled, I mean, literally, the ground shook. Khloe is one solid woman. She could probably give Brooke Hogan a run for her money. Then afterwards they’d swap tips on shaving their testicles. BFFs with balls 4 life!

There’s an unspoken rule around here that, if I see something nasty, guess what? You guys have to see it too. Heart you! Here’s Amy Winehouse being playful for some paps outside her door. They apparently caught her off guard as she opened the door in her bra - then they stuck around! I didn’t know the blind were into celebrity photography? Anyway, Amy decided to play cute for the photogs and I imagine the conversation went something along these lines (Warning: Horrible attempt at British accent approaching):

“Ello, ello? You caught me in my knickers, plum right you did. Let me gets me shirt on. Alright much better. Fancy a rogering with me bean pie right fancy kitty kat with the magazine? Aye, looks like rain, bloomin’ blokeys peanut butter with the Lucky Charms me done seen right’o with the telly. Crack san’wich, guv’nah?”

Of course, I’m giving Amy the benefit of the doubt. She probably just chewed on a lamp post then jumped back inside through a closed window.

Han Solo and Princess Leia knocked space boots - for real! Apparently, Harrison Ford got a hold of Carrie Fisher’s cinnamon buns and gave her a bit of The Force during the making of the first Star Wars film. Here’s what Carrie revealed on an upcoming British TV special, according to The Sun:

“I went on the film saying ‘I’m going to have an affair’, like it was a kiwi, an exotic fruit — because I’d never had one!” She adds: “I had a crush on Harrison for sure. Harrison is great fun when he’s had a few drinks.”
Shaking her head and saying: “I’m going to get in so much trouble,” she adds: “Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes.”

For all you Star Wars geeks out there, this means that Harrison and Carrie had what grown-ups call “a special hug.” You see, when a man loves a woman, or drinks enough gin, he feels the urge to put his penis into her vagina. Okay, I lost you didn’t I? Um, alright, got it: The man wants to put his “lightsaber” into a woman’s “Sarlacc pit.” But, don’t worry; there’re no tentacles or giant teeth. Well, sometimes. That’s where the gin comes in handy…

Thanks to veggi for the tip. May the Schwartz be with you!

When they’re not busy posing for horribly fake photo shoots (I call this one “America: Ain’t We Retarded?”), Heidi and Spencer love to expose their Hills co-star Lauren Conrad as just as fake as they are. This morning, the couple dropped a bomb on Tyra (video after the jump) and confirmed that Lauren did, in fact, make a sex tape. Tyra asked Spencer if he actually watched it and he said he’d rather throw up making it the first time I actually agree with the douchenozzle. I’d rather watch a video of my vacuum cleaner humping my couch. I wonder what that would look like… *hunts for camcorder*

UPDATE: Okay, is it legal to marry a household appliance? Because, guys, I think I’m in love.

Did you think you were going to get more than a day without some sort of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull media? Nice try, suckers. Here’s the new TV spot for what I’m hiply-dubbing IJ4:KotCS (you say the last part “cot-kiss”), chockfull of some fantastically redundant titles for anyone at all familiar with the series. Apparently, Indiana Jones is investigating some sort of “ancient secret” this time? Get the F out! Seriously though, the music and everything had me pretty excited for 30 seconds.

Continue Reading “‘Indiana Jones 4′ on TV, in Commercial Form”

Apparently unable to find a scarlet letter for Miley Cyrus to wear, Disney is forcing the young starlet into hiding after her not-really-that-bad photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz turned into a national debacle. Holy shit, it’s her bare back! BURN HER! The New York Post has the details on Disney’s brilliant PR move:

“You won’t be seeing her for a while,” a highranking Disney employee was overheard saying this weekend at a luncheon in LA, according to Page Six. “The company is keeping her away from events and wants her to keep a very low profile for the next four to six months. They’re trying to keep her contained.”

Of course, as we all learned the past couple of days, Hannah Montana is a billion dollar franchise and Disney is no doubt concerned about losing precious dollars from the Bible Belt. And it doesn’t help when Michelle Combs of the Christian Coalition starts making comments to Us Magazine calling for Disney to “reprimand” Miley:

“If she’s gonna go out there and represent wholesome values, she needs to be more accountable for her actions,” Combs says.
Combs adds that famed photographer Annie Leibovitz has “a reputation for doing racy things … Miley should have thought this out before she agreed to go in front of Annie.”

This makes a whole lot of sense really. If Mel Gibson and The Passion of the Christ proved anything, it’s that the Christian market has an ASSLOAD of coin. They also love a good story where a Jew gets blamed for something. In this case: Annie Leibovitz. Not one to miss out on some easy money, I’m thinking of changing the name of the site to something a little more Puritan. I’m leaning towards “Jesus Loves Titties.com.” Mmm, wholesomey.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, a.k.a. Eliot Spitzer’s whore, is suing Girls Gone Wild for 10 million smackers. Ashley had a fake ID saying she was 21 when Joe Francis found her and put her on tape. Since her recent notoriety from the Spitzer case, Joe has been making some decent scratch off of her name. Well, now, like most good hookers, Ashley wants her money, according to the AP:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, 22, contended in the lawsuit that she was only 17 — too young to sign legally binding contracts — and drunk on spring break in 2003 when she agreed to be filmed for “Girls Gone Wild” in Miami Beach.
Dupre “did not understand the magnitude of her actions, nor that her image and likeness would be displayed in videos and DVDs,” says the lawsuit filed by Miami attorney Richard C. Wolfe.

When will people stop attacking Joe Francis? The man only wants to share drunk boobies with the world. I mean, when did it become okay to attack someone for doing the Lord’s work? I blame the Internet.*

*The Superficial.com excluded. We’re more like a holy sanctuary of chastity and purity than a website. No, really, I’m just quoting the Pope. Honest Injun.

Unlike Miley Cyrus, Brooke Hogan isn’t afraid to show off what her daddy gave her. And by what her daddy gave her I, of course, mean her chin - Holy shit, she’s turning her head! EVERYBODY, INTO THE WATER!

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are having a baby. The irony? Amy is currently seen with Tina Fey in Baby Mama which debuted at #1 this weekend. Somewhere Christian Bale is saying, “No fair. I don’t get to be Batman.” But he’s lucky, because I’d kill him then steal his bat-suit. True story. Anyhow, People has the details on Amy’s uterus:

The Saturday Night Live regular, 36, and her husband, Will Arnett, are to become first-time parents, their rep Lewis Kay confirms to PEOPLE.
The baby is due in late fall.
The couple have been married since 2003.

First off, as a huge fan of both Upright Citizens Brigade and Arrested Development, heartfelt congrats to Amy and Will. That said, I fear for their child. I know some of you might be thinking, “Oh, they’re both so funny. Their kid will be hilarious!” But guess again. If Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are any indicator, celebrity children are usually the exact opposites of their parents meaning Will and Amy’s kid will be one unfunny little tyke. Or, in layman’s terms, Amy will give birth to Jimmy Fallon.