mr tabloid

Hayden Panettiere poses provocatively for the new Candies ad campaign and if that’s not news, I don’t know what is. I also included shots of Hayden looking chesty while apartment shopping with her mom yesterday. Okay, maybe Hayden’s not really news, but it’s seriously, no jokes, my birthday today so humor me. And if you’re really nice, I’ll let you have some of the cake I made. Which may or may not be a bottle of Jack Daniels covered in frosting. (Hint: It is.)

Apparently Orlando Bloom subscribes to the Britney Spears’ School of Hygiene because his girlfriend Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr (above) wants him to quit being such a filthy bastard, according to Star:

“Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often.”
When he’s not working on a film, the Pirates of the Caribbean star, 31, “goes days without washing his clothes,” adds the source. “He’ll wear the same jeans for a week before he throws them in the washer. Same goes for his sweaters, T-shirts and socks.”
It doesn’t help that he sleeps with his dog, Sidi, and lets her slobber all over him.

If a Victoria’s Secret model told me to take a shower in order to learn her secret (which better not be a penis this time), I’d be scrubbing down like there was no tomorrow. Mostly because I wake up every morning and roll around in the mud with my pet pig Hewey. I named him after my favorite singer: Jennifer Love Hewitt. But not because she’s fat. I just respect her as an artist - who loves bacon.

Jessica Simpson is set to perform for the troops in Kuwait on March 10. She’s taking a break from her country album to make the trip according to the following message on her fansite:

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can’t wait to share it will all of you. I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess”

While I’m happy to see Jessica Simpson doing something nice for our men and women in uniform, I hope to God she gets topless because otherwise that’s just a slap in the face to these brave individuals. I mean, they’re out there on the front lines catching shrapnel in the anus and, if that happened to me, I’d feel entitled to some boob. If, however, she plans to perform fully clothed, I just have one question for Jessica Simpson: Why do you hate America so much?

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are back on?The actor was seen driving his silver Toyota Prius away from Kate Hudson’s Pacific Palisades home on Feb. 23.”They are hooking up,” a Wilson insider told Us. Confirms a Hudson source, “They have definitely been talking, hanging out and, yes, hooking up.”

The pair “are at a good place with each other,” a pal said.

“It’s not constant and very casual,” a Hudson insider said.

Reps for both Timberlake and Hudson deny they’re hooking up.

Wilson’s rep had no comment and a lawyer for Hudson said Us’ claims were “false.”

source

So Cute!

Lindsay Lohan will get another chance to strip off and pose nude as Marilyn Monroe. Hugh Hefner wants the starlet to appear in Playboy recreating Monroe’s famous naked swim from her ‘Something’s Got to Give’ movie, according to U.S reports.

“Now we hear Lindsay is tempted to continue her nude homage to MM,” Liz Smith writes in the New York Post. “Playboy’s Hugh Hefner has offered the young star the chance to re-create Marilyn’s famed nude swim from the unfinished film ‘Something’s Got To Give.’”

source

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are supposedly rekindling their relationship. This can not end well. Too soon? Nah, just right. Here’s what Us Weekly has to say:

Now that Wilson, 39, is healthy again – he presented an award at Sunday’s Academy Awards – he and Hudson may be rebuilding their romance, Us Weekly reports.
“They are hooking up,” a Wilson insider told Us. Confirms a Hudson source, “They have definitely been talking, hanging out and, yes, hooking up.”

However, just last week I posted that Kate and Justin Timberlake were getting no-pants friendly which Us Weekly also mentions in their article. So, I guess I can just start writing daily posts with the generic headline “Kate Hudson bangs someone new.” Chances are it’ll be true. And at the rate she’s going, Kate Hudson will be doing chicks by spring. Then it will be my sacred journalistic duty to find every single pic of those hookups. I can almost taste that Pulitzer. No, wait, it’s the breakfast burrito I just ate. Extra onions was a bad choice. Hey, Frank the intern, come over and smell my breath. *breathes* Ha ha! Frank? Frank, wake up. Not again- Medic!

While Britney Spears’ insanity was determined not to be a federal case, Heath Ledger’s death is getting the federal treatment. Two doctors are currently being scrutinized by federal drug investigators, according to NY Daily News:

The doctors - one in California, one in Texas - are believed to have supplied the “Brokeback Mountain” star with the powerful painkillers Oxycontin and Vicodin, law enforcement sources said. Authorities want to know if the drugs were prescribed illegally. “It’s an ongoing investigation,” a law enforcement source told The News Tuesday. “It’s not clear if there was any wrongdoing.”

Somehow I hope Sam Lutfi is blamed for this. And also Pete Wentz. Then they have to share a jail cell in Guantanamo Bay with a Heath Ledger fan named RazorCock McButtLover. Dear Jesus, if you’re up there, please make this happen. I’ll be a good boy for the rest of the year, I promise. I’ll eat all my vegetables and go to church. Though I can’t promise not to bring my Gameboy because, Christ, that shit is boring. Amen.

The LAPD officially announced that they are looking into the allegations that “someone” drugged Britney Spears. They haven’t launched a formal investigation yet, but I hear they want to prevent future drive-by vadge-ings so the chances look good. The AP reports:

Police Capt. Kyle Jackon said in a statement Wednesday that the allegations “are being considered” by the Robbery-Homicide unit to determine if laws have been violated. Jackson says no suspect has been identified.

And by “no suspect” they of course mean “we totally know who it is.” Even Patches the Blind Crime Dog knows it was Sam Lutfi. Ask him who drugged Britney Spears and he’ll say “Ruff!” which everyone knows is dog-talk for “Asshat Supreme.” Then Patches will rub his nose signifying he’s not going to rest until he bites some Middle Eastern nut-sack. I swear that Pooch is practically Robocop but with surprisingly less leg-humping.

Heidi Montag can’t do anything without it becoming a totally staged photo shoot. I bet she goes to the bathroom and gives the toilet paper roll a thumbs up and a smile. Here she is shopping at Kitson while cameramen film her for MySpace Presents: The Fit on MySpace Celebrity. I have no idea what that is, nor do I want to know. I’ll just end up wanting to firebomb everyone that uses MySpace. So watch out pervs, 15-year-old girls and, most of all, Dane Cook.