mr tabloid

Liv Tyler and her husband, British rocker Royston Langdon, have decided to separate, her rep confirms to PEOPLE magazine.  The couple released the following statement:

"Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon have confirmed their separation. They remain good friends and devoted parents to their son Milo and are requesting that their family’s privacy be respected at this time."

Tyler, 30, and Langdon, 36, wed in 2003 in a private ceremony at a villa in the Caribbean. Their son Milo was born in December 2004. 

Elisha Cuthbert continues her Hawaiian vacation with her boyfriend Guy I Hate Because He’s Not Me. As I’ve learned from you, astute readers, Elisha is Canadian. Does that mean she’s ineligible for the Congressional Medal of Honor? Because I’m pretty sure she deserves one, if not two. In fact, because I’m a patriot, I’d be willing to pin them on her chest. It’d be a laborious task, without question, but one I’d treat with honor and respect because dammit, do I love them stars and stripes. And, also, boobs. Don’t forget boobs.

Jessica Alba seems to be cuckoo for staring contests. So much so, that’s she willing to engage in them online. I included a video of her staring prowess after the jump which is either the most seductive and/or creepiest thing I’ve ever seen without my pants on. Anyway, who the hell competes in online staring contests? That’s just retarded. Unlike my newly launched Online Rock-Paper-Scissors competition. It’s easy to play and fun for the whole family! Simply pick your weapon and I’ve already lined up my predetermined responses. Let’s go!:

If you chose “Scissors,” The Superficial Writer chose “Rock.” Contemplate suicide.
If you chose “Paper,” The Superficial Writer chose “Scissors.” Holy crap, you have a vagina.
If you chose “Rock,” The Superficial Writer chose “TANK!” I AM THE L33T! And, also, your biological father.

GAME OVER.

Damn, that’s good fun. Thanks to Brandon who needs to blink, man, blink!

Nothing’s funnier than a domestic violence 911 call. Especially one that involves Vanilla Ice. Am I right? High five! Anyway, after six minutes of sheer lunacy (audio after the jump) you’ll find it comforting to know that Vanilla’s wife Laura dropped the battery charges and took him back, according to TMZ. So, sorry, ladies, the Ice is off the market - until his Hungry Man dinner gets burnt next week.

Thanks to George who would totally open up some Ninja Rap on Vanilla Ice’s punkass - which is apparently 41-years-old. Who knew?

Amy Winehouse is out on bail after being arrested yesterday for smoking crack on video. So, now here’s the part of the day, conveniently timed before lunch, where I post pics of Amy in her perpetual state of disarray. Or, as I like to call it, the “Aw, Geez, What the Fuck? Hour.” Also, scope out that camera angle in the top pic. No doubt the photographer collapsed, bleeding from the eyes while his camera managed to take a final shot. If it were a camcorder, we’d be able to hear Amy declare: “Bloody hell! Now I want me some French fries, kangaroo with the muffin top. Alright, geezers, Nintendo 64!”

Britney Spears is done filming her second appearance on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. This time around her character Abby is dating Doogie Howser’s character Barney which must be really awkward for the Doog considering he publicly complained about stunt casting Britney. Apparently, the writers decided to send him the message to “Shut the hell up and stop rocking the gravy train.” Entertainment Tonight reports on Britney’s second go-round:

“I had such a great experience the last time I was on the show that I couldn’t wait to come back,” she said. “I was really looking forward to working with this cast and crew again. Everyone was so nice. Abby is going to have a lot of fun!”

I included a video clip after the jump which I’ll warn you will start playing automatically. So, brace yourself for some Britney Spears acting on the ASAP. If you can’t play videos at your work, don’t worry, I’ve got a way around your network admin: It’s called quitting. It’s real simple and all it takes is a well-timed middle finger to your boss after you tip over the water cooler and admit to eating everyone’s lunch. Damn, I should blog for Monster.com. I’ve got career skills out the anus!

EDIT: Okay, wow, so that video not only autoplays, but goes right into “Barbara Walters’ miscarriage.” Mmm, transition-y.

John Mayer got together with the folks over at FunnyOrDie.com to make a video that takes us behind the scenes of his song-writing process. And, here’s the kicker, it’s pretty fucking funny. Don’t get me wrong. John Mayer’s music still makes me want to eat a live grenade, but I actually started to like him as a person. I’m even willing to forgive that he’s able to score a chick like Jennifer Aniston. And, oh wait, the peyote’s wearing off. Where am I? Who typed these words? What happened to Lion-O from Thundercats? I could’ve sworn he was sitting right here next to me.

Thanks to Laura for making me realize John Mayer deserves to live - for now….

Minnie Driver hinted at who the father of her child might be to The Independent and denied rumors that it’s San Francisco musician Craig Zolezzi. Also, judging by her information, the father is not Criss Angel. Great, so I built this bunker for nothing. Sonofa… :

The only clues Driver will offer about the identity of her “baby daddy” are that he is English, and “sort of in the same business”, and that they have evaded detection because “he’s really busy, like me”. She is so far undecided whether to have her baby in England or the US: “A big part of me wants my child to be English. My family are here and I’m sure I’ll move back here one day. It’s just that my work, and the opportunities I’ve had, have been so varied and wonderful in the States that I’ve just followed my nose really.

Holy shit. It’s Eddie Izzard. You heard it here first*. And before the comment board fills up with a hundred messages from a gaggle of homophobes with broadband, Eddie Izzard is 100% straight - despite all the cross dressing. According to his Wikipedia bio, he considers himself a “male lesbian” which is interesting because I consider myself a “female lesbian but with a penis, y chromosome and an Adam’s apple chiseled from steel.”

*Or 1,547th.

This whole Dina Lohan/Mingling Moms fiasco keeps getting better. St. Michael Lohan already chimed in his two cents to TMZ Tuesday night, but now he’s talking to Page Six about his disgust with Dina’s recognition as a Top Mom:

Michael fumed, “Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.
“She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling ‘Oh, [bleep],’ when she saw the paparazzi.”

Dina, of course, commented back to Page Six and then name-dropped her own daughter. These two should get back together. They were made for each other:

“I’ve allowed him visitation once a week, so I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He’s jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me.”
Dina fears that Michael will now try to contact her directly. She says she has a restraining order against him until 2011 she thinks he’ll violate.
“He’s using the media to talk to me,” Dina said. “I’m getting nervous. Lindsay came to town two weeks ago and wanted security guys there in case he showed up. His parole officer needs to see what he’s doing and realize that he cannot address me directly or indirectly. He wears a tracking device and they’ll know if he comes anywhere near me. He’s on a mission to destroy me.”

Someone explain to me how Lindsay Lohan didn’t grow up to become the greatest mind of our generation. I mean, with parents like these, I can’t believe she’s not in Mensa. But, no, seriously, where were the grandparents who should’ve stepped in and found a better home for these kids? You know, somewhere safe like the zoo. Or in an alley with a pack of stray dogs. These children deserve better, dammit!

Minnie Driver hinted at who the father of her child might be to The Independent and denied rumors that it’s San Francisco musician Craig Zolezzi. Also, judging by her information, the father is not Criss Angel. Great, so I built this bunker for nothing. Sonofa… :

The only clues Driver will offer about the identity of her “baby daddy” are that he is English, and “sort of in the same business”, and that they have evaded detection because “he’s really busy, like me”. She is so far undecided whether to have her baby in England or the US: “A big part of me wants my child to be English. My family are here and I’m sure I’ll move back here one day. It’s just that my work, and the opportunities I’ve had, have been so varied and wonderful in the States that I’ve just followed my nose really.

Holy shit. It’s Eddie Izzard. You heard it here first*. And before the comment board fills up with a hundred messages from a gaggle of homophobes with broadband, Eddie Izzard is 100% straight - despite all the cross dressing. According to his Wikipedia bio, he considers himself a “male lesbian” which is interesting because I consider myself a “female lesbian but with a penis, y chromosome and an Adam’s apple chiseled from steel.”

*Or 1,547th.